The Clarinet

In the 5th grade, I was given the choice of an instrument to play in the school band. From the start I had my heart set on the trumpet. It was loud and in charge and it was dope.

What I knew I DID NOT want to play was:

• the flute because it was wimpy
• the trombone because it makes your cheeks poofy
• the clarinet because it was boring and it was an "ugly-maker"

Granted, all instruments require some sort of contorting of the mouth to create the necessary breath pattern to make the instrument create its intended sound. But clarinets in particular, makes its player especially unattractive. Who could love an instrument like this that does this to your face?

I bring up the clarinet and its "ugly-making" nature after watching a recent episode of "The Bachelor: London Calling" only on ABC. Matt Grant is this season's hot Bachelor and I must say, he is a babe!

For those of you who don't know, I am shamelessly addicted to this show! Not because it is well-made and has any sort of redeeming quality to it whatsoever, but simply for its lofty entertainment value!

In the first episode of every season, the Bachelor meets 25 potential "true loves." But because the Bachelor has to divide his time among the 25 girls in such a short amount of time the first night, each girl knows that it is imperitive for herself to show off her best traits and to set herself apart from the other 24 or risk being sent away without a rose. In the past, some girls have wow'd the Bachelor with singing, contortion skills, dancing, swimming skills, arm-wrestling skills, etc. and all usually while holding a glass of wine and in a cocktail dress. That in itself is amazing.

One girl this season, felt that her best talents were her musical skills. In the presence of several other girls in the house, Michelle from San Diego told Matt that she played the clarinet and sucking on the reed in her mouth, she whiped out the instrument and started playing for him.

OH HOW I WISH SOMEONE WOULD POST THE VIDEO OF THAT MOMENT ON YOUTUBE!!!

Michelle licks her lips just as she is about to play her clarinet.

Might I remind you that 1) it is imperitive for the girls to make a good impression with what little time they have and 2) the clarinet makes you look very unattractive, no matter how elegant a setting.

(This is not Michelle.)

Michelle actually ended up making it past the first episode, but then in the second episode she sang a song she wrote for Matt, to Matt, at which point she went home.

The clarinet makes pretty sounds and I could play it no better than a monkey, so I do have respect for those who play it, play it well, and as well, who love their clarinet. It's a beautiful black stick with delicate keys and 4-5 connectable parts. Who knew there were so many ways to show it off?

You can elegantly show off it's many beautiful parts.

With a big fan it can appear seductive and sensual.

You can hold it with one hand.

or you can hold it with two hands.

Sling it over or rest it on you shoulder.

You can hold it perfectly parallel to your torso.

Or you can just snuggle it.

Oh the clarinet. A funny stick but oh so unattractive.

Other ugly-makers include:

• putting on a swim cap
• putting on goggles
• wearing spandex
• hanging upside down
• strong wind speeds

(Feel free to add your own to this list!)